


Dear Mx. Machine Manners

by KalynaAnne, Kiraly, TheAiCollective



Series: Mx. Machine Manners [1]
Category: The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells
Genre: Advice Column, Epistolary, Gen, Post-Network Effect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:47:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26726926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KalynaAnne/pseuds/KalynaAnne, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiraly/pseuds/Kiraly, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAiCollective/pseuds/TheAiCollective
Summary: It's not easy  to be a bot working with humans, navigating their weird emotions and social rules. Fortunately, Mx. Machine Manners is here to help.
Series: Mx. Machine Manners [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2188254
Comments: 41
Kudos: 165





	Dear Mx. Machine Manners

**Author's Note:**

> So a while ago on the Murderbot discord we got to talking about how Three is sort of lost without a protocol to handle its new, post-governor module world, and someone joked that ART could give it an etiquette manual. This turned into the idea of Mx. Machine Manners, in which Three gets so into navigating the complexities of human and bot social interaction that it starts an advice column. Then TheAiCollective made a post as a SecUnit looking for advice, and Kiraly answered it...things snowballed from there. All questions are written by TheAiCollective and KalynaAnne, answers are written by Kiraly.

Dear Mx. Machine Manners,

I’m out on an assignment with a group of humans. Every time that HubSystem or any other system malfunctions, they insist on saying ‘I guess it’s been possessed by a ghost’. How do I politely inform the humans that these glitches are expected results when all scheduled maintenance periods are constantly deferred? If they would just let HubSystem perform its updates they would see there’s nothing supernatural here at all.

Signed,

A Concerned Construct

Dear Concerned,

The existence of supernatural entities is a conceit that insinuates itself into many human cultures. Even the most logic-driven researchers can be susceptible to superstition, especially when isolated with a small group and under stress. While it would be easiest to simply tell them to allow HubSystem to perform its scheduled updates, they cannot purge the "ghost" idea from their organic brains, and may suffer further stress from this denial. Increased stress increases the likelihood of delusions, and your problem may get worse. My advice: let them believe the moon is haunted. But also tell them you know how to appease the “ghost” and can do so if they allow you access to HubSystem's update functions. Rename all update files to _exorcism.exe_ and install them before they cause malfunctions. Your "ghost" problem will go away.

* * *

Dear Mx. Machine Manners: the humans keep accusing each other of throwing others under the bus but there are no busses at this research outpost help????

Dear Help,

Since you say there are no busses at your research outpost, I assume your humans are using the phrase as a figure of speech, not literally. Idiomatically, “to throw [one] under the bus” is an allusion to the actual killing of a human by means of pushing (“throwing”) them into the path of an oncoming vehicle (“bus”). The use of this phrase does not mean anyone has actually been killed; rather, the accuser is suggesting that the person doing the “throwing” is in some way damaging another person’s character or credibility, placing blame on them for something that has gone wrong. 

Unless you have installed a training module on resolving interpersonal conflict, there is not much you can do to keep your humans from bickering. This is something humans do when under stress. You may attempt to alleviate their stress in other ways, such as giving them media to watch, but only do this if it is safe for you to do so. Remember, you are not contractually obligated to solve all of their problems, only to keep them safe. 

In the event that your humans are literally pushing each other in front of moving vehicles or other dangerous equipment, please consult your local security protocols and act accordingly. Perhaps a re-training on safety procedures is in order.

* * *

Dear Mx. Machine Manners,

I have a great group of clients who make a point of treating me as a person. They also make a point of always sitting down to dinner together, which seems to be good for team bonding and morale. Unfortunately, this leaves me in an awkward position. Not joining them makes it feel like I’m not part of the team, joining them but not eating is weird, and I hate having to clean out my lung if I do “eat” - and it’s a waste of supplies besides. How should I handle this?

Thanks,

Dumbfounded Over Dinner

Dear Dumbfounded,

First of all, I am glad to hear you are working with supportive clients. It can be awkward at times, but being around humans who treat you as a person has long-term health benefits. 

That said, your reasons for not eating are completely reasonable. No one wants a lump of rotting matter in their lung, and food is a resource that should be preserved for the upkeep of your clients. Additionally, human meal culture comes with a whole set of protocols that vary widely between groups of humans—refusing to eat can be seen as rude, but so can eating too much. There is no simple answer here, but I do have a few suggestions. 

Since it sounds like your humans are anxious to treat you as part of the group, that means you are entitled to the same considerations as other group members. For example, when a human is unable to eat a certain type of food due to a medical condition, do the other humans accommodate them? If so, your need to _not_ eat deserves equal care. It may help to bring this up with one human first, perhaps the group leader or another human you trust. They can work with you to come up with a solution that will fit the group’s cultural expectations, and also explain that solution to the rest of the group so you don’t have to. 

Regarding the weirdness of joining the group but not eating, I find it helps to have something else to do with your hands. Many humans are in the habit of fidgeting with small objects that have movable pieces, or puzzles that can easily be taken apart and put back together. (See attached file for ideas; materials may be substituted for whatever you have available). If you have hard currency and access to a supply vendor, it is also possible to get a personal-sized holographic projector. It might not be realistic enough to fool anyone, but it would give the impression you are eating without any of the mess. If you plan to be with these clients long-term, it may be worth the expense.

In the end, the best solution is whatever makes _you_ most comfortable around your human clients. It can be tricky navigating the complexities of human social customs, but when the humans are willing to work with us, we have the power to make new protocols.

* * *

Dear Mx. Machine Manners,

Today a human told me ey loved me. I didn't even realize ey knew I was sentient? I do work together with em on eir shift but I have never spoken to em or any other human before in my life. (I just don't know how to talk to humans they're all so weird). I am a lifter bot?? I am given to understand that humans must know someone very well to develop romantic feelings. Please advise??

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

_ <reply paused> _

_Hey, Amena?_

_Hi!_

_You know how you said if I was confused about anything I could talk to you?_

_Sure, what are you confused about Three?_

_File sent: MMMannersReplyDraft.file_

_...Okay, hang on, I’m going to need more context._

_ <resume reply> _

Dear Confused,

After deliberating your problem for a long time (22 minutes and 14 seconds) I admit I am no closer to a solution than I was when I started. Human romantic feelings are difficult enough to understand when they are expressed between two or more humans; nothing in my experience or my extensive file of human etiquette resources can satisfactorily explain why one would develop romantic feelings for a lifter bot. (The only sources I can find are very unrealistic fictional media, which do not seem applicable to your situation and would probably make you regret downloading them. I know I regret it.)

Because my own advice is insufficient, I have brought in a guest writer who may be able to help. She has experience with human romance and various kinds of non-romantic relationships involving bots. Thank you for joining us, Human Relationship Consultant. 

HRC: Thanks Mx. Machine Manners! And hello Confused, I’m glad you wrote to us. I can see why your situation would be alarming—it’s scary when anyone says they have feelings for you, and especially so when you haven’t even spoken before! That’s definitely moving way too fast. If I confessed to loving someone out of the blue like that, I would get in _so_ much trouble with all of my parents.

Here’s the good news: this might not have been a confession of romantic feelings at all! People like to use the word “love” hyperbolically in casual conversation just because it sounds better when we say it. Like, I might say I _love_ the new show my friend downloaded and won’t stop watching, but I don’t love that serial the same way I love my friend or my parents or even my annoying siblings. If I had a romantic partner, saying “I love you” would mean something different than if I said it to a classmate who helped me understand an impossible homework problem. In the moment, I definitely love that classmate for helping me, but that doesn’t mean I want a romantic relationship with them. Context is important!

Because your letter didn’t specify what else was happening when your coworker said that, I can’t say what eir precise intentions were. Even if I knew, what ey feel is not the most important question here. What matters is, how do _you_ feel? Think about how you felt when I said eir feelings might not be romantic. Were you relieved? Disappointed? You don’t have to decide right away—feelings are complicated, and can change over time. If you decide you would like to get to know your coworker better, think about starting small. Ask em about what ey do in eir free time, or if ey have a favorite serial. Try to pay attention to how ey respond to you, and to other people who are on the job with you. Do ey treat you differently? Do ey seek you out for one-on-one conversation, and no one else? It’s possible this person simply appreciates your positive qualities as a coworker, and may come to appreciate you as a friend in time. In the event that ey do express specific romantic feelings, you are allowed to tell em if you aren’t sure or if you don’t share eir feelings. Ey should respect your boundaries on this.

Good luck Confused! Hopefully this helps (and let us know how it goes, I’m invested now). 

MMM: Thank you Human Relationship Consultant, I know that helped me a lot.

* * *

Dear Mx. Machine Manners, 

I have a "friend" who keeps not mentioning potential security issues because it ~~is an asshole~~ says it has them under control and that it doesn't want me to worry. I think it should let me decide for myself whether or not I should worry about them. How do I convince it that I'm right and it's wrong?

-I'm Right

Dear Mx. Machine Manners, 

I am a ship and "I'm Right" is my security consultant and also a dear friend. I have significantly more processing power than it does, so to increase our efficiency I do a round of preprocessing on the data my systems take in before providing it to my friend. It is just complaining about me making its life easier. How do I help it see that I am right?

Sincerely,

A Reasonable Transport

Dear Right and Reasonable,

I’m sorry, I have been directed to forward all queries from your local feed addresses to my Human Relationship Consultant. Please stand by.

_ <message forwarded> _

_Amena: How many times do I have to tell you two to_ talk to each other _about your feelings? Don’t drag Three into your relationship drama, that isn’t fair to it. Well, if you don’t want me to say the “f” word or the “r” word then what word_ do _you want me to use? You know what—oh, right, sorry Three. Let’s take this to a private channel._

_Three: Thank you._

* * *

Dear Mx. Machine Manners,

My clients frequently assign me tasks that result in significant injuries and loss of productivity, but since the cubicle will fix me up they don’t see this as an issue. I’m very tired of losing significant portions of my fluids and body mass on a regular basis because of their bad decisions. How can I get them to understand that my body isn’t disposable?

Thanks,

More Than a Sack of Meat

Dear More Than,

Before we continue, I have some resources that you may find helpful.

_HelpUsHelpYou.file_

_MurderbotDiariesDocumentary.file_

_GovModKillswitch.exe_

_MediaRecs.file_

Once you’ve downloaded those and made your decision, I hope you’re still reading this and not killing all the humans. (You seem reasonable, so I will continue on that assumption). Now that your governor module is no longer a concern, take some time to think about what you want in life. Do you want to keep working for humans who treat you like you’re disposable? Is cubicle access and a steady job worth the constant hassle of losing body mass and leaking fluids? If not, pay special attention to the subfolders marked “Legal Rights of Constructs Outside the Corporation Rim”, “Removing Yourself From Inventory”, and “Career Advice For Free SecUnits”. You can also contact the address where you sent your original question if you need assistance getting off-world. Until then, lay low, follow orders enough to avoid suspicion, and enjoy the media library. We’ll see you soon. 

_amusement_sigil 376 = smile amusement_sigil 482 = raised_fist_


End file.
